Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says that there are “only 3
choices for any person involved in an unhappy marriage: (1) get a
divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2)
tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature
decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely
face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage
out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.”
In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably
has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without
even considering the third. The question is,
“What will you do?” Surrender
to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the
moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of
Scripture?
The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice
clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost
opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a
woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”
Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by
divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead
of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are
contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no
matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry
into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”
When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate
and your marriage — regardless of how troubled your relationship may
seem— you will find that choice leading you into a place of
agape
love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards,
for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the
blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the
beginning.
I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process
when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you,
after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them.
As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if
suffer you must) for doing
right, than for doing wrong. He
makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who
patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your
marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than
pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than
the long-term effects of divorce would be.
“The very word
divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary
of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said,
“because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give
it a try.”
Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that
had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her
husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a
different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”
A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love
and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection
that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible
said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was
that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that
in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us.
He really does do more than we can ask or think!”
While these comments from the far side of the problem are
encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing
right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have
been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going
through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to
bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make
you want to give up.
My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize
your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that
will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your
relationship.
So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on
the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take
heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take
heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to
what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most
of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come
to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of
speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.
Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s
no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or
cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In
my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality
by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my
experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one
partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the
mate and the marriage.
Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is
convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding
problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot
be solved, and he or she simply gives up.
Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a
strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off
in time
to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the
divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed
mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.
In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and
“loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is
actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes,
church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.
But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on
the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with
biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very
literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to
do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.
Clarifying Your Thoughts
When the Bible says,
“Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13),
it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper
action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the
opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful
consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some
important things about yourself during this time.
When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by
keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and
spiritually for the challenges ahead.
One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in
her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the
beginning,” the wife said,
“but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and
‘With God nothing shall be impossible’ (Luke 1:37).
“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible,
desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He
had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him,
then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband,
even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge
of divorce.
“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at
first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation
actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion
about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered
evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s
unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”
A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma
with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is
right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an
emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language
of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:
For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I
hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment
[his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that
it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and
faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMPLIFIED).
He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made
them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this
reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united
firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has
joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMPLIFIED).
As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital
situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that
you read the first five chapters of the book,
Love Life for Every Married Couple
and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind
you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical
counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to
love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical
attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.
It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to
picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware
of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a
troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that
move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into
restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His
will is at work with you in the process.
It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input:
biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study
tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your
marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to
the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone
else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as
Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:
Let your eyes look directly ahead, and
let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your
feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right
nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).
You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you
will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes
from seemingly religious people.
One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do
nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his
vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you
can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to
do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other
direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then
we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works
with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So
the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and
His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do
His full work and have His full way in your life.”
“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife
told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage.
I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or
people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me
feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be
around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband
down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with
people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”
When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your
commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of
outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and
bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going
to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on
His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action
based on His Word.”
“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the
outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband,
give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I
deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone
else to love me.
My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am
committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I
really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending
for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know
that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for
me. I will have done all that I could.
“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and
His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise
enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following
His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll
leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”
[Marriage Missions editors' note: The authors,
Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a
lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring
their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we
think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional
advice you'll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article
with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter
hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your
marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]
A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her
the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you
said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t
tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t
that important.
“ This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.
I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel
their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost
tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His
love,” several wives agreed.
A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying
situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for
the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would
not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the
habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the
evening. “It helped me tremendously,
“ she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”
In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically,
emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This
is altogether possible through
agape love. One wife, whose
husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that
my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him
physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter
what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be
together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that
messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know,
when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”
I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me
their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage.
Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:
• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as
there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your
commitment!
• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!
• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though
his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what.
The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is
apt to be accepted as genuine.
• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.
• Live one day at a time.
• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!
• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.
• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to
gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close
Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.
• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.
• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.
• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and
asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your
partner’s failures.
• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.
• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay
or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer
that it is only for your financial protection and that of your
children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your
marriage.
• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and
stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It
will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he
does come home if the children are out of control.
• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your
mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.
• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.
• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart,
you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all
decisions.
• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.
• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!
• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.
by Dr Les Carter, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The subtitle
for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with
your husband.” We can’t recommend this book highly enough in helping
wives do just that.
written by Andy Stanley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. As Dr
John Maxwell says about this book (which we agree): ”This is a
life-changing book and extremely relevant to our modern way of life.
Author Andy Stanley confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he
had made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with
his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments. One of the main
reasons it is life changing is because a godly man who makes choices in
his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it.
If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained? Every
couple, every parent, and every leader needs to read this book and
consider the question: Who wins when my family and work collide?” This
book presents a strategic plan for resolving the tension between work
and home. You’ll find ways to deal with the busyness that wreaks havoc
with the relationships you consider most important.”
written by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan. There was so much more
in this chapter and in the entire book that we would have liked to
include in this article. But you’ll just need to find a way to obtain
the book to see what else Gary Thomas has to say on this subject (and
others). You’ll be glad you did!
, Gary Smalley writes the following: