Stop Bringing Up The Past

Praise the Name YAHWAH forever and ever…HaleluYAH!!!

Sisters, we’ve all  heard the saying, “let sleeping dogs lie” or “let by gones be by gones”, but how many of us actually do this?  How many of us in our marriages (past and present) actually “let sleeping dogs lie”, or do we in the heat of an argument, dip in the recesses of our minds and pull up some of the things our husbands have done to hurt us, and we throw it right “SMACK” in the kisser!!!

Bringing up past hurts during an argument shows that you are dealing with trust issues and holding on to the past. How will our relationships with our husbands grow with these issues? From personal experiences with this issue I find that bringing these things up means that we’re not satisfied with our husbands apologies, promises of not evering doing “such and such” again.  We actually want them to pay in “BLOOD” baby!!!  Once we are hurt, we may find ourselves searching for our husbands to do or say something to answer the question "why?"  “Why did you do it, why did you hurt me?”The thing is, there is nothing that could be done or said to satisfy our questions . We have to decide to forgive and leave it in the past or continue to hold that against them and end your marriage before you experience more hurt  from the past that we won’t let go of, and our husbands moving towards the future without us!!!

Before we go any further with this subject…I have a lil sump’n sump’n for us to listen to.  This particular song is an “oldie, but a goodie”, and I guarantee those of you that are 40 and over will definitely remember this track.  This song  was originally performed by “Al Hudson and One Way”, but the version that I am sharing with you is performed by a newcomer by the name of “Jesse Powell.”   As you can see, I haven’t told you the name of the song as of yet…okay, okay…the name of the song is “Something In The Past.”  I  pray that we all are “mature” women here, and are able to handle the video…

So, without further ado…I introduce to some, and bring back memories for others…."Something In The Past.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTEH4hKYI6c

Ooooooooookay now….Whoa!!!  For those of you that know this song, what did it do to you, if anything at all?  Did it take you back to a certain time and place?  Yeah…tell me ‘bout it…my, my. my!!!   PLEASE!!!

Question.  Is there an “okay” time to bring up the past or should we “let sleeping dogs lie?”    We need to avoid  phrases like "this is just like when you...," or "how can I trust you, do you remember what you did in 2001..." or “you ain’t gon’ never change, I remember how you cheated on me with…”  Sisters, hurtful reminders like these do nothing to resolve a conflict or bring marriages closer together. As nah’sheem/wives, we also have an almost unfair advantage over our husbands in this area.  Y’all know that we can recall the finite details of every mistake our husbands have made in the marraiges, including what was said, what was meant, what he did, when he did it, the time, day and date he did it, who he did it with, what he was wearing, what we were wearing, and even where we were standing. Most husbands have trouble remembering what they had for lunch yesterday…did ya hear me?!

At the same time, I think there are a few exceptions where it is acceptable to bring up the past, and is even necessary in a healthy relationship. I think it is most necessary when something from the past still hurts so much that you can't function well in the relationship in the present; and when things that happened in the past keep happening and are still going on. Let's take a look at these two exceptions and what to do about them.

“When Something In The Past Hurts Us Still”

If something from the past still hurts, you need to address it, just not in an argumentive or combative way. During a calm time, you can say something like, "Baby, can we talk…can you help me with something I keep having trouble with?"

Most men will respond well to that request.

A useful example would be how something hurtful was said and it gets under your skin and stays there. (“Ouch.” ) It may be eating you up, but your husband is unaware of the lasting effects. (“Double Ouch.”)  So, once you have his attention, you lay out, in non-accusatory, gentle but genuine words, what is still hurting you.

Perhaps a more complete apology is necessary, or even a first apology, because he's unaware of your hurt. Sometimes we simply need to have someone understand just how much something hurt us. Other times, simply speaking it out loud allows it to fade off of our emotional radar.  But on the other hand sisters, we need to also know how our husbands feel when “WE” have hurt them as well…can I get an ahmayn?! Remember the street always runs two-ways and we are NOT always on the end of being hurt…we dish it out too!!!

Once the two of you have had this honest, heart to heart conversation, and cleaned up the mess from the past, prayerfully you can both agree that this is now in the past and has no power over either of you or the relationship.  Remember the words of Yahoshua The Messiah…"Let the dead bury the dead.”

Yaweh Is Love