Genesis 2:21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[a] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib[b] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
Once you've realized your relationship with your partner, friend, or family member is toxic, what do you do to change the situation?
Can you even change it? We've got six tips to help you address the
issues, ways to deal with him or her if you want to try to salvage the
relationship, and what to do if none of them work.
The first step is always attempting to discuss the issue
with the person in question. Tell him or her that you care about your
relationship and you want to make sure it lasts, but that part of
ensuring that longevity is addressing problems.
Try telling that person about specific or repeated behaviors that have upset you, and how it makes you feel. Explain yourself clearly and as calmly
as you can; you don't want them to feel like you're attacking them
(even if they might deserve it!). If your friend/family member/partner
is willing to have this discussion and listens to your comments openly,
consider it a good sign that you might be able to change the relationship for the better.
If you can't discuss the issue with the person in question, or if the discussion doesn't go well, there are five ways that you can approach the situation to see if it improves the relationship and eases the negative impact on you. The first is changing the factors of the relationship that cause friction between you two by setting boundaries.
This might mean:
Agreeing not to talk about your job(s)
Agreeing not to discuss other relationships
Agreeing not to talk about politics
Agreeing to walk away from the conversation when someone gets angry
Agreeing not to engage in name calling or swearing under any circumstances
You should try to change the behaviors that cause
problems in your relationship. If you feel like the relationship is
toxic because someone is using you or manipulating you, part of the
problem is that you're enabling them to do it by the way that you react to his or her demands.
For example, if you feel like your sister is only nice to you when she wants money, stop enabling her and cut her off. If your friend often makes rude or unnecessary comments about your weight when you go shopping, stop inviting her
to go to the mall with you and decline her invitations as well. If you
can change the behaviors that perpetuate the toxic nature of the
relationship, you might still be able to enjoy time with this person
doing other things.
Toxic relationships persist because one or both parties never take a stand against them. No one says "This is not okay, and if it doesn't stop..." There should be consequences
for treating someone poorly. After all, why would anyone treat you with
respect if they know they can treat you poorly and get away with it?
Consequences can include:
Refusing to do certain activities with that person
Limiting the amount of time you spend with that person
Canceling plans you've made with that person
Taking time away to reconsider the relationship
Revoking offers of money, help, or invitations
Set reasonable consequences for negative behavior, make sure you're doing it out of respect for yourself instead of pettiness, and follow through with them.
If your boyfriend regularly talks down to you or your mother takes
every second that you spend together as an opportunity to tell you what
a disappointment you are, you need to limit how much time you spend with him or her.
Toxic relationships are draining, so you need time to involve yourself with healthier relationships
and spend time alone. This will give you a chance to recharge your
batteries, focus on what you want or need, and figure out what makes you
happy. Time away can give you the distance you need to gain persepective
on the relationship and whether or not it's worth continuing. It will
also show that friend, family member, or partner that you're not
dependent on their negative attention, and might give them the reality
check they need
In some cases, you may decide the best thing for you to do is to take a break from the person you have a toxic relationship with. That might mean:
Only talking to your father once a month instead of once a week
Not seeing or speaking to your friend for a few weeks
Going a week or more without staying over at your partner's place or having him/her come to yours.
Limiting the duration of lunch dates, shopping trips, or other activities you do together to two hours
Switching exercise classes or finding new hobbies so you're not consistently around that person
Put some lengthy distance between yourself and the person in question. Don't contact them
in between the times that you do see them, or keep contact to a
minimum. Give yourself time away to asses what's good about the
relationship, what's bad about it, and whether or not you want to pick
back up where you left off after your break.
If you've tried to address the issues, set boundaries, change
behaviors, create consequences, set time limits, and have even taken
some time apart and you still see no change in the way your relationship with this person makes you feel, then it's time to seriously consider cutting your losses.
Toxic relationships do not often change, but it doesn't mean you've failed to communicate, to give it your best effort, or to save the relationship. At some point, the reality might be that you're just not good for each other.
Even if it's a family member or romantic partner, you do not need to
keep toxic relationships, or toxic people, in your life (you can choose
your friends, after all)!
Weigh the pros and cons, and finally decide if you would be happier with this person out of your life.
If you find that the feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, insecurity,
unhappiness, and stress go away when that person isn't around; it's time
to cut communication, stop making plans to see them, and move on with
your life. Your happiness depends on it!
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